BienthoughtsMuyBienthoughts

one stupidity at a time won't hurt, will it?

Farewell Johann.


There’s something that made me so affected about your passing away. And I don’t know what that could be. I met you not too long ago and I can say from the bottom of my heart how beautiful you are as a person. I don’t know how well you lived your life and I have no idea what it took you to get pass through all life’s shits but I’m sure as hell you had fun with it.

You were young Johann. You were my age and I keep on wondering how it feels to be dead at 27. Did it hurt? Did it scare you? Did you struggle gasping your last breathe for air? I want to know but I don’t wanna die yet. I want to know how it feels to literally fight for your life but I don’t wanna lose it. Maybe so I will know what to do when it comes to me and there’s no turning back. Maybe so I will know how to deal with it as it appraoch me in the future. God, this is crazy. You were the last person I ever thought would die before me. Nuts.

I’m sure a lot of good things have been said about you and this post is not to do the same because I do not know you well enough to tell the world what I think you did in this life for your friends and family. This is just a simple note to remind myself that I met you one day in my life and realizing that you’re forever gone is one hell of a wake up call for me that, cliche as it may sound, life is indeed really short. That I could die tomorrow or the next day or who knows maybe while I’m writing this. That I must live now and forget what’s bothering me from my past or in the future.

This post maybe is just to share to those who never got to know you how cool you are as a friend. This is at least the best thing that I can do to tell the world that you are indeed a special person and how jolly and humble and funny you were when you were alive. I hope this makes you smile.

These are our funny Facebook conversation and this is how I will remember you.

Rest in peace, Johann. Be good, do well, have fun. :D

“If we are going to see each other again, would you mind to share the silence with me. The feminists call it intimacy, it’s when you just stare at me all day but you cannot touch nor hug me. Words you want to ask, say and share will not be countered and uttered by myself and all I can do is just to hug you from behind without you even knowing it and by that hoping messages come across because it will be the last hug I can give for being your friend.” -Johann, posted on his FB account April 28, 2012.

2012/05/24 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 8 Comments

Sa Piling Ko.


Alam kong aalis ka rin sa bandang huli. 
Mawawala ka at iiwanan ako. 
Ngunit sa una pa lang, 
tinanggap ko na nang maluwag ang katotohanang iyon 
at mahigpit kong niyakap ang mga sandaling 
nasa tabi pa kita. 

Mahal kita. 
Minahal, kahit alam kong wala itong patutunguhan. 
Minahal, bagamat alam kong isang araw, 
maglalayag sa ka mundo ng iyong mga pangarap. 

Ngayon, 
habang papalayo ka, 
papalaot 
at tutungo sa ibang mundo, 

pumapatak ang luha 
nitong puso ko. 
Umaaasang lilingon ka
lilingon sa kinaroroonan ko 

at magbabalik, 
magbabalik sa piling ko…

2012/05/16 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 2 Comments

Bring it On.


I woke up late today. It was a normal hot and sunny morning. The sun is unusually hiding behind the clouds but I can feel its heat refracting through my misty glass window. Another Monday indeed and it’s a beautiful day. I stood up to grab a cup of coffee and lit a cigarette to start my “going to be” busy day reading an old book I bought roughly around 3 years ago. I puffed my first stick for the day. I inhaled all the smokes in to my lungs and unconsciously exhaled it just like the regular air I happen to forget since I learned the art of tobacco-ing. That was one hell of a night, I said to myself.

I walked right in front of my window, still holding my cigarette half done. Vividly, I can still recall that night when we first met. It was indeed exciting. Crazy. Hot. Whatever. I smiled. I haven’t smiled quite that sweet for a long time. I can still smell the taste of your lips on mine and how passionate it was. You were the first after my last and I find it terrific that it was you and not someone else. It couldn’t be any better than your version.

The storm is over I guess and looking at your face in my head, I thought it’s just about time to give myself another chance to find “it” again. Yes, it’s too good to be true and I’ve been literally pinching myself just to make sure that I am not dreaming and that this is not just another memory to forget. I am always hopeful.

I am not sure what exactly is happening. I’m at a lost for words. I am excited. I am in doubt. I am scared. I am happy. I am conscious. Here I go again, taking my chances one step at a time. But whatever is in store for me on this another journey I am yet to take, I am ready now. Come what may.

You’re special to me. I never thought I’d be right for you but I am right here. Worth it or not, bring it on, life! :D

 

2012/05/11 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 2 Comments

Ang Alamat Ng “Moving On”.


Okay. That was one hell of a journey. I know, I know this might sound a little awkward to say that I feel better now because it only has been 2 months since the “trauma” occurred but surprisingly, hypocrisy aside, I am okay now. Akala ko kasi noong simula hindi ko makakaya but here I am, excited to feel the feeling again of falling in love. But do not get me wrong, hindi naman agad-agad. Yan ang di ko pa kaya for now. I’m just excited to feel it again, excited lang. Basta!

Noong una akala ko hindi ko kayang magsimula ulet. Sa totoo lang, depression almost got me. Hindi ako makabangon, ang sama-sama ng loob ko -sa kanya – sa mundo – sa lahat. Pakiramdam ko binasura lang ako ng isang taong sobrang minahal ko ng buong-buo. Ni ayaw kong makita ang pangalan nya o maalala ang kahit ano tungkol sa kanya. Pinilit kong itago lahat ng sakit. Sinikap kong maging matatag kahit sobrang nahihirapan akong harapin ang katotohanang iniwanan lang ako ng isang taong akala ko eh mahal din ako pero waley naman pala. Imbyerna. haha. Hindi ko ma-explain yung sakit dahil siguro ito ang unang “heartache” ko sa buong buhay ko. Ito yung sobrang tagos sa ngala-ngala. Yung sobrang sagad sa left and right ventricles ko. Yun bang tipong araw-araw mong tinatanong sa sarili mo kung saan ka ba nagkamali, ano pa ba ang kulang, o sumobra ba, nasakal ko ba sya at kung anu-ano pang kadramahan sa buhay. Kaloka.

Pero pagtagal, unti-unti kong na-realize na hindi dapat ako nagmumukmok. I might be sad but I’m not weak. Hindi ako ganun katanga to let it ruin my life. Ganun talaga eh. May dumarating, may umaalis, may nawawala, may bumabalik. It is an endless cycle. Sa loob ng ilang araw, oo, aaminin ko na umiyak ako ng bonggang-bongga. As in “may I sob” ang drama ko na may kasamang pang “I cry myself to sleep” and a pinch of “Paalam na aking mahal” na background music. Samahan mo pa ng “Babalikang Muli” on the side with “Against All Odds” sprinkles on top. Sobrang disturbing. Hahahah. Eh ano magagawa ko? Ganun eh. Dun ako nako-comfort kahit papano. Lalo na kapag naririnig ko yung lyrics ng song na “Doors” and it goes a little something like this: “…Why do my heart just keep on beating, why does my arms just keep on reaching, for someone who’s no longer theeeeeeeeeeeere. What can I say besides I’m sorry. What can I say to change your mind. What can I do to make tomorrow, yours and mine…” Hahaha. Ramdam mo ba yung moment ko? Ganun kadrama. LOL.

Pero kung interesado kang malaman kung ano talaga ang laman ng puso ko ngayon, eto at iisa-isahin ko. Naghintay ako ng dalawang buwan para humupa ang emosyon dahil alam kong kung magsasalita ako habang nasa peak ako ng aking emosyon, marahil marami akong nasabing hindi maganda. But I was matured enough to remain silent. At dahil dyan, proud ako sa sarili ko. Wala akong sinabing kahit ano na masama tungkol sa kanya, at sa katunayan mas naghari ang respeto ko sa sarili ko at ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya noon kaya mas minabuti kong mag-pretend that everything will be fine and that I am okay and that I wasn’t hurting. Mahirap yun ah. Sobra.

Dumaan ako sa point na umaasa pa rin akong babalik sya. Nemen! Diba ganun talaga ang moving on stages? Hahaha. Nung matapos yung stage na yun, dumating ako sa point na naging bitter ako. So sa tuwing may naririnig akong kanta na nagpapaalala sa akin sa kanya, mega-iwas ako. O kaya kapag napapadaan ako sa isang lugar na minsan naming pinuntahan – pinipikit ko na lang ang mata ko at mumulat na lang kapag nakalagpas na. O minsan naman kapag may nakikita akong isang bagay, for example yung damit nya o yung tsinelas nya na naiwan nya sa bahay namin – hala – itapon natin yan dahil bitter na bitter ako. Hahaha.

But the bitterness stage did not last that long. Kasi after nun, kapag naaalala ko sya at yung moment kung paano nya sinabi sa akin na hindi na nya ako mahal – at kailangan na nya akong iwanan dahil wala na talaga – at yung moment kung papaano ako nagmakaawang wag nya akong iwan – pagkatapos ng bitterness stage, dun ko na naintindihan ang lahat-lahat. Kung bakit kailangan mangyari lahat yun. Kung papaanong bigla na lang mawawala ang pagmamahal mo sa isang tao at kung papaanong kahit gaano kalaki o kaliit ang binigay mong pagmamahal sa kanya eh hindi natin kayang pigilan kung ano ang nakatadhana. Oo – I believe in destiny. At na-realize ko na we’re just really not meant to be.

Doon ako humanga sa kanya dahil alam ko, there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. Walang madaling paraan and it would take a lot of courage para magawa mo yun lalo na kapag alam mong mahal na mahal ka ng isang tao. Sa kanya ang moment na yun. Sa kanya.

So ang nagyari – ganito: Nagpaka-busy ako. Nag-travel ako. Ginawa ko yung mga bagay na dati ko nang ginagawa bago ko pa sya makilala. Umakyat ako ng bundok. Nag-jogging ako para mawala ang stress at para pumayat. Nagbasa ng mga librong nakatambak lang sa kwarto ko. Nagsulat ng blog. Kumain ng kumain. Naglakas loob akong puntahan yung mga lugar na madalas naming puntahan, daanan yung mga lugar na madalas naming daanan. Kainin yung mga food na madalas naming kainin. Although may kirot kapag naaalala ko pero it is a relief kapag unti-unti eh nakakapag let go ako ng isang alaala. Dinama ko lahat. Pinaraya ko ang puso ko sa sakit. Gustong-gusto ko nang mawala yung pain.

Kung tutuusin, hindi naman ako nagalit sa kanya. Yun ang totoo. Oo, ang sama ng loob ko because it had to happen pero hindi ako nagalit sa kanya. Hindi nawala ang respect. Laging nasa puso ko ang magagandang pinagsamahan namin, lahat-lahat ng magaganda o siguro kahit yung mga pangit na alaala. Hindi naman ganun kadali mawawala yun eh. Or maybe hindi na mawawala yun. It became a part of me and always will be. Sabi nga ni Xander, ang aking kaibigan, the pain will always be there, you’ll just get used to it. Siguro tama sya. Siguro isa na rin sa mga dahilan kung bakit madali ko itong nalampasan eh dahil sobrang minahal ko sya. Buong-buo o marahil, sobra-sobra. At dahil dun wala akong regrets dahil alam ko naman na binigay ko lahat hangga’t kaya ko. Kaya kahit masakit alam ko mas sasaya sya kung palalayain ko sya. At palagi kong hinahangad ang kaligayahan nya. Mas naiintindihan ko na sya ngayon.

Ang weird nga eh. Kilala ko ang sarili ko. Alam ko kung papaano ako magalit at magtanim ng sama ng loob sa isang tao lalo na kapag nasaktan ako ng sobra-sobra. Alam ko rin na hindi pwedeng hindi ako maghihiganti. Pero nung nangyari lahat ng iyon – nasurpresa din ako sa sarili ko. Wala akong ginawa kundi tanggapin lahat lahat. Manahimik and eventually mag let go. Or maybe eto talaga yung tunay na ako at ngayon ko pa lang nakikilala ang sarili ko. Ewan. Siguro nga ganun. Chors! haha. Dami kong sinabi.

Pasensya na mahaba ang entry ko ngayon. Naipon eh. Haha. Hindi ko din kasi alam kung papaano isusulat ang lahat ng ito nang hindi nagtutunog ipokrito pero eto ang totoo. Kung mayroon mang dapat patawarin, napatawad ko na. Kung meron mang dapat sisihin, kami yung dalawa. Hindi lang siya at hindi lang ako. Pero ang mahalaga – at least ngayon kaya ko nang pag-usapan muli ito nang hindi sumasakit ang dibdib ko. Siguro sign na din ito na okay na talaga ako. Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya ulit eh. Yun lang naman kaya ginawa ko lahat ng yun para maka-move on na. And I’m glad to say that I have moved on – at least “almost” completely if not completely.

But I know my heart will never be the same again anymore. That’s for sure. So now I shall lift my arms and let my roots set off to seek another land. Welcome back, Bienthoughts! :D

 

 

 

 

 

2012/05/01 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 17 Comments

   

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