BienthoughtsMuyBienthoughts

one stupidity at a time won't hurt, will it?

Ang Madamot Na Ulan Ng Mga Alaala.


Ilang oras ko ring hinintay na bumuhos ang ulan ngayong araw habang nakaupo sa damuhan sa harapan ng aming bahay. Pero kahit isang patak, walang bumagsak mula sa ulap. Makulimlim naman ang paligid kahit mainit ang sikat ng araw, malakas din ang ihip ng hangin, malamig ang panahon, heto nga at naaamoy ko pa mula sa aking pwesto ang masarap na pritong galunggong na niluluto ni Nanay, na paborito naming ulam lalo na kapag umuulan. Tila dinaya ako ng panahon na sa kabila ng kakapalan ng mga ulap sa himpapawid, hindi lumuha ang langit. Marahil nasanay na rin ito sa malusog na pagsikat ng araw tuwing tanghali. Naisip ko ngang sana ay may magpakasal na maligno ngayon upang umulan ng malakas kahit na tirik na tirik ang araw. Ngunit nabigo ako.

Paborito ko ang tag-ulan lalo na kapag sumasapit ang dapit-hapon. Alam kong uulan kapag ang mga kulisap ay nagkakagulong magsiliparan pabalik sa kani-kanilang mga lungga. Masaya ako kapag umuulan. Nais kong maligo at magtampisaw sa malamig nitong tubig. Nais kong kumawala sa init ng nagdaang araw, isang pagbabanlaw sa lahat ng pagod at hirap mula sa matinding sikat ng haring liwanag. Ibinabalik nito ang larawan ng aking kabataang araw-araw ay nais kong balikan. Ang ulan para sa akin ay isang katuparan ng pinakaaasam na kahinahunan ng mundong aking ginagalawan. Isang paghuhugas sa mga alinlangang nadarama ko sa kabila ng kabutihang idinudulot sa akin ng buhay.

Inabot na ako ng dilim sa pag-asang kahit papano ay magpaparamdam ang ulan. Tumingala ako sa langit, pinakiramdaman ng dalawa kong kamay kung may papatak na tubig mula sa itaas, ngunit sa halip, sumagi sa paningin ko ang nagliliwanag na buwan. Bilog ito. Bilog na bilog. Natatabunan ito kapagdaka ng mumunting ulap na sa hinuha ko’y nagpapapansin at nagsasabing huwag na akong umasa sa pagpatak ng ulan, sapagkat bukas ay matinding init ang mararanasan ko na namany. Napangiti ako. Napatawa. At mula sa damuhang kinauupuan ko, naitanong ko sa aking sarili: Bakit ko ba kinakausap ang ulap? Maaawa kaya ito sa akin kapag nakiusap akong sana ay umulan ngayong gabi?

Napatungo akong bigla at nagbuntong-hininga. Nagsindi ng sigarilyo. Hitit sabay buga pampatanggal ng inip na kanina pa sumusukob sa akin. Ilang sandali pa’y naubos ko na ang tangan kong pansunog-baga. Nagmasid akong muli sa tahimik na paligid. Maya-maya pa ay napaling naman ang pansin ko sa maingay na paglipad ng isang eroplano. Matayog ang lipad nito. Matayog na matayog. Matayog pa sa saranggolang gawa ni tatay. Isang alaala muli ng aking kabataan ang biglang nagbalik. Naalala kong noon, kapag may dumaraang eroplano sa langit, kasama ng mga kalaro ko ay sabay-sabay kaming kumakaway at nagpapaalam dito. Isang pamamaalam na taglay ang pangako na isang araw ay magbabalik ito at sa pagkakataong yaon ay isasama niya at isasakay ako.

Tuluyan na ngang nilamon ng dilim ang kanina lamang ay nagmamayabang na liwanag. Hinihintay ko paring sana kahit ambon man lang ay biyayaan ako ng langit. Nahiga akong sandali at tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa kapag nababagot, umawit ako. Isang awit ng paghihimagsik. Isang awit ng pag-asa na sana ay marinig ng ulap ang dumadagundong kong tinig upang magalit ito, marindi, at mapundi, ng sa gayon ay magbuhos ito ng luha na kanina ko pa inaasam. Ngunit walang nangyari. Walang tumugon sa awit ko kundi kagawaran ng mga ibong malayang lumilipad sa alapaap at ang ingay ng mga kuliglig. Sa kabila noon, nanatili ang katahimikan ng buong paligid.

Noong bata pa ako, wala akong kalayaang magpasya na maligo sa ulan. At alam kong sa bawat pagpupumilit kong magtampisaw ay pagagalitan ako ng aking mga magulang. Kung bakit ba noon, noong bata pa ako, mas napapansin kong mas madalas ang pag-buhos ng ulan kumpara sa pagsikat ng araw. Marahil, noon pa man, umiibig na ako sa ulan. Hanggang ngayon.

At ngayong malaya na akong maligo kahit anong oras na bumuhos ang ulan. Ngayon pang mas pipiliin kong magtampisaw sa tubig nito kaysa ang manatili sa loob ng aming silid-aklatan upang magbasa ng mga panitikan patungkol sa ulan. Ngayong wala ng makapipigil sa aking magpagulong-gulong sa nakabibighani nitong tubig. Ngayong hindi ko na kailangan pang uminom ng isang basong tubig kapag nangangamoy alimuom. Ngayon pang malaki na ako at marunong ng magpasya para sa sarili, ngayon pa ako pinagtataguan ng ulan.

Sa kawalan ng pag-asa, nagpasya na akong pumasok sa aking silid. Malungkot ako. Malungkot na malungkot. Pakiramdam ko’y pinagkaitan ako ng mumunti kong kahilingan. Para akong isang batang nakalimutang bigyan ng regalo sa kanyang kaarawan. Maging si Nanay at si Tatay na bayani ng aking buhay ay walang nagawa. At sapagkat lumalalim na ang gabi, iniwan ko na ang damuhang iyon at nagpaubaya – na kung sakali mang umulan kahit gapatak ay madiligan ito ng sapat upang lumago at sumibol. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang tuluyang pagsakop sa akin ng isang dalisay na antok. Bukas ay maghihintay akong muli sa pagbisita ng ulan. Sana ay hindi na niya ako biguin. Sa pagkakataong iyon, nakatulog ako ng mahimbing. Mahimbing na mahimbing. Pakiramdam ko’y kinukumutan ako ng isang mapagarugang hangin. Katulad ng pagkukumot sa akin ni Nanay kapag ako ay nilalamig. Hanggang magising ako isang tanghaling mataas na mataas na naman ang sikat ng haring araw.

Hindi ko man lamang namalayang umulan pala buong magdamag.

Lahok para sa “Bagsik ng Panitik” contest ng Damuhan.

2012/03/26 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 14 Comments

Have Fun Out There.


You are worth everything that nature can give you.

And I pray to whatever I believe in,

that you find your happiness.

You find pride in yourself.

And you find true love.

And you can look at that person

and understand the impact that have had in your life.

Because you have surprised me with every step you took.

And if letting you go means that I love you.

Then I love you.

Have fun out there.

As for me.

I shall lift my arms

and let my roots set off

to seek another land.

2012/03/22 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | 1 Comment

Walking Away.


Relationships fall and whither because eventually, someone stops trying and it doesn’t feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets too busy, or doesn’t even bother to try. You know why? Because they’re comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. But can you keep up? If you can then you’ll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren’t afraid to lose them because they’re yours.

At first, I can’t understand what was going on. Was it just so easy to forget me? Am I really that easy to let go of? It’s hard when you know you shouldn’t hold on and yet you’re too in love to let go and it sucks when you’re ignored by the person whose attention is the only thing you want in the world.

Looking back, I was a dreamer before someone went and let me down. The funny thing is, nobody really knows how much anybody else is hurting. That’s when I felt really alone. And then I realized that we could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even know it. I must say it’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. I feel shit and all I can do is — feel it. I guess this is the problem with getting too attached to someone, when they leave, you just feel lost.

These past few days, I’m just tired. I say no to hanging out with friends just because. I sometimes yell at people who don’t deserve it. I get upset over the stupidest things. I am too irritable and I snap at people too much. Most of the times, I don’t understand the things I do or why I do them in the first place.  So at this point maybe, I can say sorry to my Mom and Dad. I hope you can understand why I’m so quiet at dinner and why I don’t like doing family activities. I am sorry to all my friends who don’t understand. I wish I could let you inside my head because I feel like you all see meas an over dramatic bitch. I am just too sensitive. I can’t help it. So I am really, really sorry.

I’m tired of feeling bad. I’d rather feel nothing. It’s better. it’s easier. One has to wonder, given all life’s uncertainties and pain, how do we get through it? Everyone disappears no matter who loves them. Every time I think everything is going really well, I mean, I try really hard – it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m just one of those people that doesn’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know. Maybe because I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about anybody else ever again. Sometimes I wonder what was that thing that made me love you so deeply.

Maybe if you would ask me now, you still me mean everything to me, but I know you’re just not worth the fight anymore.

I am mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, apologizing for things I shouldn’t be guilty of, for getting too attached, for making you my life, depending my happiness on you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all, for not hating you which I know I should but I can’t.

I have no regrets though. Whatever happened to us, I still believe it takes two. I just can’t blame it on you, or on me. We both played our parts. And one day, in some far off place, maybe I will recognize your face. People meet, then they part. Then new people come, then they go. Memories follows in between. Then you long, then you wish to see them again. It’s a cycle. And oftentimes, when you are about to call it friendship or love, you have to move along, and it hurts us each time.

But I took this risk. I said I’m willing to take it no matter what. And right now until I’m okay, I’m gonna stand by it. I guess love is everything it is cracked up to be. Maybe that’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. I’m glad I took that risk. And I know now how much I can give. It is surprising, to be honest.

My life has fallen down around me before. Lots of times – for lots of reasons – usually other people. It is just very unfortunate that you’re one of them and that’s what makes it even harder.

But they say that if they don’t chase when you walk away, keep walking. And I will keep on walking clearly because I know you won’t stop me from going away. It may take thousands of miles and steps before I can finally say I’m finally okay but great things starts from small beginnings, right?

See you again, stranger.

2012/03/08 Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan. | Leave a comment

   

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