one stupidity at a time won't hurt, will it?

Walking Away.

Relationships fall and whither because eventually, someone stops trying and it doesn’t feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets too busy, or doesn’t even bother to try. You know why? Because they’re comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. But can you keep up? If you can then you’ll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren’t afraid to lose them because they’re yours.

At first, I can’t understand what was going on. Was it just so easy to forget me? Am I really that easy to let go of? It’s hard when you know you shouldn’t hold on and yet you’re too in love to let go and it sucks when you’re ignored by the person whose attention is the only thing you want in the world.

Looking back, I was a dreamer before someone went and let me down. The funny thing is, nobody really knows how much anybody else is hurting. That’s when I felt really alone. And then I realized that we could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even know it. I must say it’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. I feel shit and all I can do is — feel it. I guess this is the problem with getting too attached to someone, when they leave, you just feel lost.

These past few days, I’m just tired. I say no to hanging out with friends just because. I sometimes yell at people who don’t deserve it. I get upset over the stupidest things. I am too irritable and I snap at people too much. Most of the times, I don’t understand the things I do or why I do them in the first place.  So at this point maybe, I can say sorry to my Mom and Dad. I hope you can understand why I’m so quiet at dinner and why I don’t like doing family activities. I am sorry to all my friends who don’t understand. I wish I could let you inside my head because I feel like you all see meas an over dramatic bitch. I am just too sensitive. I can’t help it. So I am really, really sorry.

I’m tired of feeling bad. I’d rather feel nothing. It’s better. it’s easier. One has to wonder, given all life’s uncertainties and pain, how do we get through it? Everyone disappears no matter who loves them. Every time I think everything is going really well, I mean, I try really hard – it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m just one of those people that doesn’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know. Maybe because I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about anybody else ever again. Sometimes I wonder what was that thing that made me love you so deeply.

Maybe if you would ask me now, you still me mean everything to me, but I know you’re just not worth the fight anymore.

I am mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, apologizing for things I shouldn’t be guilty of, for getting too attached, for making you my life, depending my happiness on you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all, for not hating you which I know I should but I can’t.

I have no regrets though. Whatever happened to us, I still believe it takes two. I just can’t blame it on you, or on me. We both played our parts. And one day, in some far off place, maybe I will recognize your face. People meet, then they part. Then new people come, then they go. Memories follows in between. Then you long, then you wish to see them again. It’s a cycle. And oftentimes, when you are about to call it friendship or love, you have to move along, and it hurts us each time.

But I took this risk. I said I’m willing to take it no matter what. And right now until I’m okay, I’m gonna stand by it. I guess love is everything it is cracked up to be. Maybe that’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. I’m glad I took that risk. And I know now how much I can give. It is surprising, to be honest.

My life has fallen down around me before. Lots of times – for lots of reasons – usually other people. It is just very unfortunate that you’re one of them and that’s what makes it even harder.

But they say that if they don’t chase when you walk away, keep walking. And I will keep on walking clearly because I know you won’t stop me from going away. It may take thousands of miles and steps before I can finally say I’m finally okay but great things starts from small beginnings, right?

See you again, stranger.


2012/03/08 - Posted by | Sari-saring Katangahan.

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