Last night in bed, I gazed hesitantly at our reflection. You seemed so small and fragile, like a child defeating a colossus. My left leg rested contentedly on your hip. My face peeked from the valleys of your shoulder. It seemed I could squish you like an insect if I wanted to.
“Parang ang liit mo,” I said as I stumped my cigarette into the ashtray.
“Ikaw na. Ikaw na matangkad.”
What I really wanted to say had nothing to do with height. What I meant was I wasn’t really sure if you could take me.
Adjustment makes the parts we need, bigger, and the parts we don’t, smaller. For years, I’ve refined my fury, my resentment and power. It’s helped me stay alive. It’s helped me put pen to paper.
What makes you think it would be that easy to undo all of that?
I exhaled noisily, one of those stretched, pregnant sighs when you know I’ve gone crazy again. In my head, the questions kept burning.
Why do you love me? I have nothing left to give. Why do you stay?
And then you kissed me.
You kissed me and I savored truth. Everything, all the fears in my head and the voices that tell me it’s not going to work, they all were washed out.
These are lies, your lips taught me.
Believe only in this, they whispered as you kissed our hands intertwined. Trust only this, they said as you kissed the left side of my cheeks.
You kissed me and it all felt truthful again. It was a quiet swing but I felt it. My lips formed an awkward smile. My heart sang a quiet song.
Sa paglalayag ng puso,
Makikita mo ang mundo
At kung ang ulap ay madilim
Nandyan ka, kasama ako.
Maaari tayong lumipad
Ikaw at ako…
Habang magkadikit ating mga labi.