When I first met you, you have this cloud of upbeat energy spinning around you. Your movements were gigantic, your smile was extensive, and your eyes were shimmering with contentment. But there was misery in your eyes, too, that I right away noticed. And it looked mighty recognizable. It looked just like my misery months back.
We all need saving.
I know that the very instant we learned about the things we have in common, we knew we would become friends. And we did. And maybe it was too good to be true but we eventually became lovers.
At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you (and that’s talking about the other side of the coin.) They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go. It was.
True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your cheek. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession. I got addicted to you.
Have you ever wondered why I would always make sure you go to sleep before me? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re sleeping. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve you?”
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this?
I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?”
That’s what ran through my head every night when we were about to sleep or when I watched you sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.
And then it came, one cloudy Saturday evening, I remember the song “Seasons of Love” kept ringing in my head. It just won’t stop. I will forever remember that night when you chose to break my heart and told me you tried. Yes you did try to make it work. I did too. But – well, the song was right – “But I guess our best wasn’t good enough”. Just one thing I have in mind all the time we were talking and trying to find the best words to say to ease each other’s pain – that I got dumped again. The feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling that killed me months back. “How do you measure a year in the life” when we didn’t even last for at least half of it? “In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife” Oh well – yet another memory to forget, I said to myself.
It was never easy. No one ever gets used to it but everyone can deny that fact, for all its worth. And I am the type of person who believes that love will find me whatever it takes. I know how to appreciate the love I’m receiving. I know how to stay. I can commit. I am all that and maybe more. But I am not perfect and for whatever reasons you have that made you decide to break my heart, I give it to you. You have my respect.
And so, that cloudy Saturday night, with a little help from my good friends we all call “Beer”, I let you go. I set you free. You are free now. You’re not mine and I am not anymore yours.
You said you wanted to keep me as your friend? By all means, keep me. You proved me wrong that lovers can’t be friends. Yes they can. The only awkward things to conquer are the expectations we learned to keep and now gone; and the commitment I’m very willing to give but was neglected. Don’t get me wrong, it was alright.
The only difference between us is that I am past my nightmares. And I swear to God I’ll help you get over yours. No one will hurt you. Not when I’m here. And I’m going nowhere.
Life isn’t life if it were easy. And when it gets difficult, you know where to find me.
I won’t burn the bridge.
May pumukol sa Pipit sa sanga ng isang kahoy
At nagahip ng bato ang pakpak ng munting ibon
Dahil sa sakit, di nakaya pang lumipad
At ang nangyari ay nahulog ngunit parang taong bumigkas
“Mamang kay lupit, ang puso mo’y di na nahabag
Pag pumanaw ang buhay ko, may isang pipit na iiyak”
hindi naman malakas ang hangin
ngunit tinangay ka nito sa harapan ko
tumitig ka. tumingin ako.
nag-usap ang ating mga diwa
hindi natin maintindihan ang isa’t-isa
hindi naman bilog ang buwan noong una kang makilala
doon sa may halamanan ng amorseko
doon sa makakating talahib ng maalindog na gabi
ngunit binitbit ka ng liwanag ng buwan
doon sa tabi ko. sa piling ko
at hindi na muling nawalay sa akin.
hindi ko noon maunawaan ang iyong awit.
bawat ngiti mo’y ligaya
ikaw ay ligaya. ikaw. ang sarili mo. ay ligaya
bawat diktan mo’y ngumingiti
salamat at dumikit ka sa akin.
ang iyong bango ay naiwan sa aking mga pisngi
at hindi na muli pang lumisan.
mahalaga pa ba kung ano ang iyong nakaraan?
kailangan ko bang magmukmok sa nakalipas?
katulad ng sagot mo – ang sagot ko – hindi.
noong gabing iyon sabay tayong lumaya.
hinaplos mo ang bukas ng panibagong simula.
at kung papalarin ay idadalangin
magbiyaya nawa ang langit
ng sangkatutak na pag-ibig
para sa akin mula sa iyo –
para sa iyo mula sa akin
at kung sakaling lumisan
at kung sakaling umulan sa may tindahan ni aling Nita
maghihintay ako sa gitna
kung saan laging kang nandoon. nakangiti.
Hahabol ako hangga’t kaya ng aking mga paa
at kung hindi na. at kung madapa
at kung lumisan kang di na maaninag
makakaya ko rin – makakaya mo.
tulad ng dati. sa magkatulad na pagkakataon.
magpaparaya ang ating mga puso.
at mauunawaan natin kung bakit tayo pinagtagpo.