Seasons Of Love.
When I first met you, you have this cloud of upbeat energy spinning around you. Your movements were gigantic, your smile was extensive, and your eyes were shimmering with contentment. But there was misery in your eyes, too, that I right away noticed. And it looked mighty recognizable. It looked just like my misery months back.
We all need saving.
I know that the very instant we learned about the things we have in common, we knew we would become friends. And we did. And maybe it was too good to be true but we eventually became lovers.
At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you (and that’s talking about the other side of the coin.) They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go. It was.
True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your cheek. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession. I got addicted to you.
Have you ever wondered why I would always make sure you go to sleep before me? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re sleeping. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve you?”
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this?
I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?”
That’s what ran through my head every night when we were about to sleep or when I watched you sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.
And then it came, one cloudy Saturday evening, I remember the song “Seasons of Love” kept ringing in my head. It just won’t stop. I will forever remember that night when you chose to break my heart and told me you tried. Yes you did try to make it work. I did too. But – well, the song was right – “But I guess our best wasn’t good enough”. Just one thing I have in mind all the time we were talking and trying to find the best words to say to ease each other’s pain – that I got dumped again. The feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling that killed me months back. “How do you measure a year in the life” when we didn’t even last for at least half of it? “In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife” Oh well – yet another memory to forget, I said to myself.
It was never easy. No one ever gets used to it but everyone can deny that fact, for all its worth. And I am the type of person who believes that love will find me whatever it takes. I know how to appreciate the love I’m receiving. I know how to stay. I can commit. I am all that and maybe more. But I am not perfect and for whatever reasons you have that made you decide to break my heart, I give it to you. You have my respect.
And so, that cloudy Saturday night, with a little help from my good friends we all call “Beer”, I let you go. I set you free. You are free now. You’re not mine and I am not anymore yours.
You said you wanted to keep me as your friend? By all means, keep me. You proved me wrong that lovers can’t be friends. Yes they can. The only awkward things to conquer are the expectations we learned to keep and now gone; and the commitment I’m very willing to give but was neglected. Don’t get me wrong, it was alright.
The only difference between us is that I am past my nightmares. And I swear to God I’ll help you get over yours. No one will hurt you. Not when I’m here. And I’m going nowhere.
Life isn’t life if it were easy. And when it gets difficult, you know where to find me.
I won’t burn the bridge.
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