Nick wants me to write a poem and maybe I can do that for him. After all, isn’t it Nick who drove his car around the corner today just when I was feeling too weary to ride my bicycle up the long hill ahead?
Didn’t he appear out of nowhere like a knight – yes, I mean this – like a knight on a horse rounding bend just as my legs almost gave out under me?
Okay, it was only Sunday afternoon in Imus Cavite, and I would have made it up the hill anyway, but didn’t Nick make it easier?
Didn’t he roll the car to a stop, toss me the key, throw one leg over the saddle and take off toward home with his heart pumping, lungs expanding, hips hard at work so I could take the easy way, the high road, the path needed at exactly that moment?
For all the times he’s done that for me, in dozen years we’ve loved each other, surely I can do this much for him. Surely I can do one thing I know I do well: I can write it down.
Unang-una, dahil naging busy ako sa walang ka-kwenta-kwentang mga bagay. Nagpalit ako ng trabaho na parang damit lang kung hubarin pero sa katotohanan, mahirap naman pumili at bumili ulit ng bago dahil gusto ko, branded at mahal. Mangilan-ngilan lang ang nakapasa sa aking panlasa na masasabi kong bagay na bagay sa akin. Ayun, napadpad ako sa isang trabahong hindi ko alam kung gusto ko bang seryosohin o isa na namang damit na dapat ko nang hubarin dahil hindi bagay sa personality ko. Ano ba?
Well, hindi naman malabo ito. Sa katunayan nga, malinaw na malinaw sa akin kung saan ako dadalhin ng bagong pakikipagsapalarang ito. Pero bahala na siguro, hangga’t kaya, sige lang muna. Ganun eh.
Mahal na ang yosi, tumaas na ng halos kwarenta pesos. Mabuti na lang at may trabaho ako, kaya ko pa bumili ng bisyo kahit papaano. Pabor naman talaga ako sa Sin Tax. Hangga’t pwedeng buwisan, buwisan na yan at ipaubaya na natin sa mga politikong mandarambong ang mga ating mga salapi. Ganun din naman, kahit sino iboto, manloloko. Wala na yatang magbabago sa bansang ito. Wala na rin ako pakialam. Kung dati-rati sobrang involve ako sa ating politika, maging sa current events, ngayon wala na akong gana. Bahala na sila. I’ve done my share, saka na ulit ako babalik kapag nabuhayan na ulit ako ng kahit katiting na pag-asa. Ayun.
Sabi nila kapag matagal ka raw tumigil sa pagsusulat, mabobobo ka. Mukhang tama sila. Hangin na lang yata ang laman ng kukote ko. Una ko dapat isusulat yung tungkol sa Alamat Ng Moving On Part2, kaso hindi ko mahagilap yung mga diwang naka-stock lang sa utak ko. Nawala sila lahat. Pero okay na din siguro yun. Alam mo kung bakit? Dahil wala na din akong pakialam sa nangyari noon. It happened to me not once, but twice. Same shit, similar story. Same drastic pain pero wala na yun. Ayoko na isipin dahil hindi ko na maalala how it all happened. Pero isa lang ang simula at wakas ng kwentong yun: Umasa ako. Iniwan ako. Period. Kung anoman ang nangyari in between, I’m really glad I can hardly recall. No kiddin, hindi ko talaga maalala. Pakiramdam ko nagka-amnesia ako. Gusto ko na ‘to kesa naman sharp ang memory, mukhang mas madrama yun. lol.
So, I broke my Sony phone na maganda. Nabasag yung LCD nya. Ang repair sa service center kasing presyo na ng isang brand new phone. And so I bought a new toy. Pang mahirap lang. O+ 8.9, para kapag nabasag ulit, hindi na masyadong masikip sa lungs. Pero wag maliitin ang pobreng phone, nako, nagandahan ako sa phone na ito, walang biro. Basta maganda sya. Hindi ko pino-promote pero kung maisipan mong bumili isang araw pag napadaan ka ng SM, I can assure you na hindi ka magsisisi. Pag nagsisi ka, promise bibilhin ko sayo yung phone at ako ang gagamit. Promise yan. Eto nga dito ako nagba-blog ngayon. Sosyal diba? Via mobile. Naks!
Madami pa ako gusto ikwento kaso inaantok na ako. Nakakapagod nadin magtype sa phone. Basta sa ngayon, steady ang buhay ko. Tahimik. Masaya. Walang komplikasyon. Na-miss ko ang ganitong state of mind. Tagal din akong nagpakabaliw sa mga unnecessary emotions. Tanga lang? Pwede naman palang ganito lang, naghanap pa akong ikasasakit ng puso at ulo ko. Hindi naman ako nagsisisi, naghihinayang lang for the lost energy na sana ginugol ko na lang sa pag-akyat ng bundok at pagtakbo. Anyway, nangyari na. Ganun eh.
Sige next time ulit. Sleep na ako. Bye. 🙂
I dreamt of you last night.
You stood out in the crowd like glaring debris that fell over me.
Your fists clenched, ready to cloud them over.
Radiance spelled you.
Like guilty pleasure.
How’d I know you smiled?
You were faceless.
I must have dreamt of you a thousand times.
Amidst a million cheering people.
Or beside me on a sunset beach.
Or in times of mourning.
Of looking at my own eyes.
Let me open my arms to lift you.
A feather, lost.
I conquer you.
Like any faceless aspiration, I must’ve loved you already.
I searched but you were elusive.
I waited but you never came.
You must be waiting for some other else.
I wish I haven’t dreamt of you.
I wish you were someone else.
I wish you had a face.
I wish you’d let me love you.
We’ll never meet.
Dreams don’t come true.
Some souls don’t find their pair.
And when I succumb…
Find me. Look hard.
When I first met you, you have this cloud of upbeat energy spinning around you. Your movements were gigantic, your smile was extensive, and your eyes were shimmering with contentment. But there was misery in your eyes, too, that I right away noticed. And it looked mighty recognizable. It looked just like my misery months back.
We all need saving.
I know that the very instant we learned about the things we have in common, we knew we would become friends. And we did. And maybe it was too good to be true but we eventually became lovers.
At first, it was difficult for me to get along with you considering the nasty things some people say about you (and that’s talking about the other side of the coin.) They said you would hurt me, and you did. They said, if I continued spending time with you, it would be so hard to let go. It was.
True, you are all the bad things they were saying. Still, I accepted you. I let you get to me deep within. You’re smokin’ hot. I loved the feeling of your body in my mouth. I loved it when my lips touched your cheek. You taste like euphoria. You reek of obsession. I got addicted to you.
Have you ever wondered why I would always make sure you go to sleep before me? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re sleeping. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve you?”
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure if I believe in God, but I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this?
I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?”
That’s what ran through my head every night when we were about to sleep or when I watched you sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.
And then it came, one cloudy Saturday evening, I remember the song “Seasons of Love” kept ringing in my head. It just won’t stop. I will forever remember that night when you chose to break my heart and told me you tried. Yes you did try to make it work. I did too. But – well, the song was right – “But I guess our best wasn’t good enough”. Just one thing I have in mind all the time we were talking and trying to find the best words to say to ease each other’s pain – that I got dumped again. The feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling that killed me months back. “How do you measure a year in the life” when we didn’t even last for at least half of it? “In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife” Oh well – yet another memory to forget, I said to myself.
It was never easy. No one ever gets used to it but everyone can deny that fact, for all its worth. And I am the type of person who believes that love will find me whatever it takes. I know how to appreciate the love I’m receiving. I know how to stay. I can commit. I am all that and maybe more. But I am not perfect and for whatever reasons you have that made you decide to break my heart, I give it to you. You have my respect.
And so, that cloudy Saturday night, with a little help from my good friends we all call “Beer”, I let you go. I set you free. You are free now. You’re not mine and I am not anymore yours.
You said you wanted to keep me as your friend? By all means, keep me. You proved me wrong that lovers can’t be friends. Yes they can. The only awkward things to conquer are the expectations we learned to keep and now gone; and the commitment I’m very willing to give but was neglected. Don’t get me wrong, it was alright.
The only difference between us is that I am past my nightmares. And I swear to God I’ll help you get over yours. No one will hurt you. Not when I’m here. And I’m going nowhere.
Life isn’t life if it were easy. And when it gets difficult, you know where to find me.
I won’t burn the bridge.