Of Love And Expectations.

It’s my choice to love you everyday. I have to admit that I have flaws, and my imperfections are eating me, but at the end of the day, I still choose to love you. I may be asking for more than what you could offer, maybe a little compassion, maybe a little sweetness, or a little passion to taste, but even without all of that, I can say that I love you and shall I be given the chance to take it back for one greater love than this, I won’t. At times, I can feel how fed up you are to see me, or to talk to me or to cuddle or to do mushy stuff with me – I seriously don’t mind. I never thought these stuff can be overwhelming so whether you’re fed up or had enough of it, I still choose to love you. And please take note that I am not being emotional.

If there’s one thing about love that I have learned with all the relationships I’ve had way back, it would be that love is not an emotion or a feeling, love is a state of mind. Emotions are fear, anger, hatred, jealousy, and the like – that fades away after an event or occasion. For instance, we maybe angry today but as time approaches, anger grows fainter and we, most of the time, just forget about it. On the other hand, love being the state of mind is a principle we live by as soon as we learn its essence. It doesn’t fade, it grows stronger and it doesn’t have a boiling or freezing point. You just love no matter how senseless you think the relationship gets. It’s a part of you that you don’t wanna lose because losing it may have to mean losing yourself.

I guess this is the part where I have to ask myself “where did I go wrong?” Am I loving you less to feel unworthy of your love?  or too much to deserve to ever feel this? As far as I am concerned, I’m giving more than what I am expected to give and I swear to God all I ever loved was you, since we met, since we both promised and decided to make things work for the two of us. Is it too much to ask for a little bit of sweetness when you talk to me? or perhaps to spare a little bit of your time even when you’re too busy with your stuff to send me a short message, at least once in a while, so I know what’s going on with you? Is it too much of a favor to be gentle when you get pissed when I can’t hear you clearly when you talk over the phone that I had to make you repeat what you were saying over and again?

Alright, I get it that you’re not as “emotional” and showy and touchy and you’re mood is swinging from left to right, back and front, as I am. Trust me I get it. But the last time I checked, I still deserve some damn respect. I owe it to myself at least, to feel respected. Don’t we all?

When I say I love you, I mean it. Even if I say it every now and then. Whenever I say I love you, that’s exactly what I’m feeling IN that very moment and it just goes to show how much I’m loving you every minute, every hour, every day and I will say it whenever I feel it, even every second if I have to. That’s how much I love you. Not that I’m expecting you do the same way, I know that would be too much. I hate demands and I’m not obliging you to be as passionate as I am. After all, we’re still two different people. In every situation, it’s either you or me would adjust. It takes two, right? I just hope that whenever you say those words I’m longing and wishing to hear everyday from you, make me feel that I deserve it. Make me feel that somehow I’m special. Make me feel how blessed I am that someone I truly care most about is saying it to me. Make me feel the sweetness of its thought like the first time you said it. You don’t say it that much anymore, anyway, so maybe saying it every once in a while with that intensity would make me last until the day you say it again. Ohh how I wish you knew how much I’m craving for it, baby.

These are not complaints, these are observations and once and for all, with or without all these, I’m sure I’d still choose to love you. My love for you has no conditions, it’s just that, maybe as a human being, I’m looking for a little bit of consideration. And as much as I wanna love you more each day, I wanna be loved too, just a little bit more.

I love you.

Supernova.

That very first day we met is still vivid in my mind. If you would ask me to give you the details, I’m sure I wouldn’t miss a single of it. That first kiss, that first touch of yours,  that very moment when you looked at me in the eye, I still know the feeling. It’s clear and alive and it’s keeping me sane whenever I think about the world and goodbyes and the pains and the heartaches. I just think of you and I know everything would be alright. It never failed me by far.

Have I told you lately that I love you? I guess I did. And expect me to tell you that as often as I can. More so, expect me to show you how much, as long as I can. I’ve been in awe lately. I didn’t expect myself to be surprised by the things I could do just to prove how far I can go with the love I have for you. I did wonders. You made me make wonders and it feels so amazing. Everyday that I live is a journey I want to spend with you even if you don’t want to at times. We all have that. But remember that I am here, only here, whether you’re in the mood or not. I’ve come to accept that as time goes by. Again, we all have that.

If there’s any pain in the world right now that I can think of, that would kill me and that would make my world turn upside down, it would be the pain of losing you my dear. So don’t make me lose you because I won’t.

See. I am still writing you these words until now. Every time I wanna let you know the intensity of my love for you, I write them down in here. In my heart. I’m squeezing the brain out of me to come up with the best words to describe the Supernova and the star which explodes, increasing its brightness to typically a billion times that of our sun but still I keep on writing. I can’t just simply tell it.

Stay with me and I’d give you my world and other things to my strength. Be strong for me. Make me feel loved and make me love you more. I don’t care how you do it. You know I appreciate your every movement. I adore you, baby, in every way. I love you.